MUDRA OF COMPASSION

Recently, I've been sitting on the cushion, building community with my own inner spirit as well as a group of gay Buddhist men. I've been eating as if my body is the only vehicle I have to transport me through this life discovering the joy I find in preparing food like my grandmother did. I'm going to study to do energy work, to better heal myself and my community. I'm also getting certified as a massage therapist in January.

Being in relation with Josh is very stimulating. I've been learning non violent communication, personal thinking patterns, and whole foods baking. I've been loving another human, one blessed with gifts that few possess and enough opportunities for a lifetime of discovery. We are out of the liminence stage. I keep having a string of the best days of my life, occasionally punctuated with a more difficult day. Sometimes it seems we won't make it through the night. Other times, usually on the same day, I can't imagine life apart from the radiance of this loving man. Still other times, still usually on the same day, I have the energy as if I am a generation younger.

There's a internet support group for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Back in October, I was bored and took a moment to revisit their chat room. I shared my feelings after the reading Porcelain Chills My Soul at Smack Dab which opened a door to talking about the anger expressed in the piece. I 'wrote' that piece one night when I had a flashback dream full of kinesthetic memories. When my conscious mind put together where I was to be feeling that chill and smelling those smells, my endocrine system was in full flight mode. I chose to lie still and feel into the sensation, holding compassion for that little boy. Leaning into a torrent of empathy for myself, I wept for how confused I was, how desperate I was for love. When I could not love myself any more, I started sending compassion to my parents who were too young and traumatized to be raising children. And I sent compassion to their parents, who could not do anything but deal with their broken sons. And I sent compassion to my Dad's broken brother and his older brother's son who each were victims perpetrating on me the brutal lessons taught to them by who knows who. It's possible that this ancestral line runs deep. I was able to hold peace, forgiveness and compassion in my heart for all these people. Then, I got out of bed and wrote the images I remembered from my dream.

The men in chat started talking about how they would like to practice compression on the head's of th perpetrators of their own abuses. I today can add these men to the list of those who need my compassion. It doesn't serve me to do anything other than forgive and release my attachment to the memories.

On Sunday mornings, when I do my formal meditation sit, I hold my left hand in the mudra of compassion. It is a simple gesture really. You hold your hand flat with you palm out to recieve a tip, then turn your wrist down until your fingers point to the earth. I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow on my left shoulder, the mudra of compassion. Then I'm reading my poem at a queer open mic Kvetch. It will be my final reading of this for a while.

How I Found the Other Half

How I Found My Other Half.

I was only living half my life.
Truths were buried.
Uncovering truths can be hard.
The hard can make choices easier.
If you choose the right things, you can change your life.
I chose to say no.
No, I won't swallow my pain anymore.
That only causes more pain.
So, no thank you, I won't let you discriminate against me.

Meanwhile, a miracle happened.
I learned to say yes.
First, I said Yes, I'd like a ride home.
Yes, let's take a trip to dance.
Yes, I want to embrace joy.
Yes, I want to see more green in my life, and less brown.
Yes, I want to heal my broken heart.
Soon, things got really great.
Yes, I want to spend more time with you.
Yes, I'll walk with you every day we can.
Yes, I want today to be the best day of my life.
Yes, I want to love myself.
Yes, enough to consume only the healthiest foods and substances.

So, now it is the next level.
Decide what you want,
Believe you can have it.
Believe you deserve it.
Let's make it happen.

On a scale of 1 to 10 how does life rate?
If the answer is not 10, the follow up question is this.
What would it take to make it a 10?
Let's make it happen.

Welcome

Welcome to a collection of stories from my life. I feel blessed by a diverse range of life experiences. I'm just a average guy, with some interesting (and not so interesting) tales.

I live in San Francisco, work for an environmental conservation organization, and do my best to enjoy many of life's pleasures that present themselves.

Thanks for checking in. Let's see how this journey plays out.